I went to the loo, and listened, and he didn't settle down in 6 or 7 minutes so I went back in. He generally does got right back off if this happens at night, and every now and again we need to let him stay up with us for a half hour or so before we put him back to bed. Last night was like that.
I was intending to just stick him next to me in bed and let him watch some west wing with me (yeah I know, stupid to be up that late), but I had been faffing around with him long enough that the laptop had gone to sleep and the room was dark, so I just got into bed with him and we had some quiet snuggles.
I love those moments. They don't come very often for us. Lots of snuggles and cuddles and kisses and so on, don't get me wrong, but the quiet moments, the still ones. Atti isn't a still kid. Even sleeping he rolls around and changes direction in bed and so on. Only once (since he has been sleeping in his own room) in the last year has he fallen asleep while snuggled up in bed with me. It was a glorious early morning wake up and he fell asleep in between the wookie and I and slept til 7am. Glorious and never repeated, sadly.
I think he nearly fell asleep last night though. Once or twice it was so close. He fights it as a kind of automatic reflex. He starts to drop off and jerks awake and changes his position, starts furiously playing with my hair or stroking my face or mashing his face into mine. And he relaxes, and it all becomes rhythmic and he starts to drift off…. ad infinitum. Well as infinitum as I can deal with it, because at some point trying to stay awake makes him crawl all over me or his Dad and I get fed up with it and also recognise he now NEEDS to go to sleep and for him, poor thing, he has to be alone for that to happen.
He will fall asleep and stay asleep (though not as long anywhere as in his own cot in his own room in the dark with his white noise and teddy) anywhere. In the carseat, in the pram, on the couch - so long as he is alone. I don't think he has fallen asleep on me in nearly a year. Maybe when he was sick - but I still think it was at the other end of the same couch.
I am a bit sad about this. Last night, as he was lying with me, breathing in that lovely slowing way that means he is falling asleep (and I am holding my breath and hoping so hard this time he will tip over the edge and go to sleep) I was hoping he would fall asleep and sleep with us again. He co-slept a bit as a baby, when he would wake and feed and roll over and go straight back to sleep. Then about 6/7 months he started to toss and turn and fight going back to sleep - and he had to be kicked out of our bed for everyone's sake. He flipped himself out of the bed twice. My sleep was going to hell. His sleep was going to hell. His father had been dubious about co-sleeping and now he was really worried that he would get hurt. So we moved him to a cot next to the bed.
He still fought falling asleep. I used to have my arms through the sides of the cot to help him - and have the same breath-holding and hoping as his breath would slow…. and he would roll over and babble and kick his legs and do everything he could to wake up.
How I didn't move him into his own room earlier I don't know. Well I do, I was a first time mum and I didn't want to leave him alone at night if I didn't have to.
Which is hilarious, because he is so much like me and my family in personality, and I love sleeping alone. Adore it. Never get to do it anymore, and occasionally plot ways for it to happen more.
Actually, I quite like being alone. Not always, but I try to have some alone time every day. I love not being responsible to others. I like not having to consider others. I can do my own thing. Not share my stuff (including foot space in the bed - I really hate having my foot space invaded), not have to listen to anyone else - the absolute physical sensation of luxury I find being alone. Like sliding into a freshly made bed with really good bedlinen that has been ironed. That kind of feel of absolute sensory luxury.
That having been said, middle of the night little love ins with my Atti - that is pretty nice too. You are so tired when they are infants, waking at night to feed - but I remember in one way liking the quiet one on one time with him, and loving the peace and the physical sensation of the actual bond we had. Hands patting my face or playing with my hair - just wonderful.
I really hope this isn't the beginning of that 'must have second baby' desire I have heard about!
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