Hard work

Atti's latest saying is 'it's hard work'. And it has been hard work over here.

We have both been sick, and I have far too much work on at the moment. And my kid has been a bit trying too. Last week we had a moment that was the first time in his nearly two years where I wanted to hit him. It was momentary, and I didn't do it, but I did have a moment of actually wanting to hit him.

I choose not to physically discipline my child, or at least not to hit him. Considering how often I physically stop him doing something, or pick him up and take him away from something, or just how I will dress him or change a nappy or put him down in bed against his will, I guess I can only really go with not hitting. 

I made this choice for a bunch of reasons. I don't necessarily disagree with others who choose to do it, but I think I there are a range of other options, and I prefer to utilise those. Anyway, that is not what this post is about.

It is just a bit rough sometimes. I am going through a rough patch. I am going to hand in a crappy assignment, probably a bit late. My volunteer work isn't going well. I am tired and cranky with all the people I live with. My camera is broken and needs mending. Just lots of this kind of stuff, that is making it hard to be happy. Also, I really can't shake this cough and sniffles.

But anyway, 'it's hard work' this parenting gig.

Mind you, he is also saying 'it's funny' - usually when he does something he knows he is not allowed to do. Throw a toy at the cat 'it's funny'. Chuck his drink bottle on the floor - 'it's funny'. You get the picture.

And then there is this

Playing at the park with his friend J.

That makes so much of it better. Also, he is sleeping through again, which makes everything better!

Still sick

All still a bit sick over here. In my case, too bad, I don't have time right now.

Atti's sleep is a bit easier, thank goodness. Now we have a different problem - he has been waking up several times a night for the last week, and because he has been unwell and not eating much (and cause we have all been so tired and, you know, whatever you need to do) we have been known to give him a drink of milk in the middle of the night.

Which he now wants every night. Hell, every time he wakes up.

I am in two minds here. He probably is hungry, actually. He isn't eating very much right now, and I would be hungry if I was awake at 2am too. But if I keep giving him bottles at night, he is never going to sleep through. So last night, I cut it off. Urgh. The weeping, the wailing, the hitting me with his little fists and the clinging to me like a vine. Poor little thing. But he did go back to sleep, and slept another 6 hours straight.

And woke me up by shouting 'wake up mama' from his room. :D

I had to head off to uni to work this morning, and I think it might be a smart move to go every week for a while. I need some extra time to get work done, and the boys go to the pool anyway. If I could work out how to get the Wookie to hear him when he wakes up, I could even get up earlier than Atti and head off to uni early, and get home while he is having his nap - which gives me time to do the prep for family dinner.

This week is going to be crazy busy (when isn't my life actually) but I am looking forward to it. We are going to go to a kids orchestra concert on Friday morning… ooh I better get the tickets actually!

Nightmares

My partner was watching the MASH movie on tv tonight. Well actually not the MASH movie, but the movie length ending. I hate that film and I didn't get out of the room before the bit I hate was on. I hate the bit where Hawkeye remembers the woman on the bus who smothered her baby - they were hiding from Chinese soldiers and she smothers the baby trying to keep it quiet so they don't all get discovered and killed.

I have dreams about that scene. Because I don't see what else she could do. But now I have a baby, and … well actually I have dreams about all kinds of awful deaths or injuries that could happen to Atti or the Wookie.

I kind of assumed this was normal, and one of those things that no-one talks about - how on some low down level you spend the rest of your life terrified that you will become that story - like the red balloons for Ryan thing - just a heartbreaking story.

But I am beginning to wonder if I am alone in this. I have made a passing comment or two to friends with kids, and I generally get the impression none of them have this problem. I mean it could just be me - or people like me, who have actually had this loss already, that have that kind of 'every day that ends with a live healthy family is a good day' mind set.

I wonder if I should be doing something about it. Seeing someone or something. I mean, it isn't impacting on anyone except me - I am the mother at the playground sitting back letting my kid climb the stuff that no-one else's two year old is climbing (until mine does, and then his mates do it too). I am pretty big on kids being competent and being pretty relaxed around them - I think the freaked out reaction from parents when something goes wrong is what they react to, mostly. So when my son jumped into the pool the other day before I had jumped in, and freaked out a bunch of the other parents, I was pretty chilled (I also did years of surf lifesaving, and knew he was fine for the 5 seconds it took me to get to him). That kind of thing.

But it does mess with my sleep a bit - at least the falling asleep bit. If any of this stuff gets in my head I have to wake up and do something else for a bit, and then try again. Definitely be true tonight after catching that bit of MASH again I suspect. Maybe I could do a bit more of the research work that isn't finished yet!

Glorious sleep

Funny how a few nights of truly awful sleep can make you so appreciative of sleep. I managed two sets of 3-4 hour sleep last night. Thrilled me no end. 

And this morning was pretty funny. Once Atti worked out that Mummy was going to work and Daddy was staying home with him, well floods of tears and environmental-protester level clinging to my leg. Right up until I mentioned that Daddy might let him watch some Thomas. Instantaneous happiness and 'bye bye mummy'.

Hmmm.

It was a bit of a poisoned chalice though. Cause it will be fine for an episode of Thomas or two, but then he will have to stop the tv and get him into the shower. And it will all go a bit pear shaped from there I suspect.

I hope it goes well, but I think Daddy is going to find that he doesn't really like staying home with the kid. It is one of those things he thinks he will enjoy, but doesn't actually get the reality of the situation. The Wookie doesn't have an appropriate expectation of Atticus, and it means when they spend time together Wook gets really frustrated and starts growling and grumping at stupid stuff.

This morning for example. He went to all the trouble of making french toast with Atti. This is one of the things we do together on our mornings at home. The next thing I hear is all this grumping because Atti won't sit and eat properly (yeah babe, cause he is two). Then I hear all this … well not quite shouting (what is the next level down?) about how Atti has done a poo, and how come he didn't tell Daddy. Then there is stomping up the hallway, and I actually heard the comment 'and now Daddy's breakfast will get cold because you didn't warn him'. So I went in there and point out that he doesn't tell you that he has done a poo, not really. And Wook said 'he tells you'. No babe, not really. Sometimes he tells me, but he is generally wrong. And if he has done one, he denies it to the sky.

And I particularly liked the 'cold food' comment. Better get used to that dude.

If he could just relax and not sweat the small stuff (and you know, read some of that stuff I give you, so you can realise that he is 2, not 9 already) he would actually enjoy being with him. And then there would probably be less of a Mummy or Opa preference. Cause he would be fun too.

In sleep hell

Urgh. Last night was hell. I think I got three hours sleep - that is three separate hours, not three contiguous hours.

I am rubbish this morning - and oh yay, I have to work today.

Co sleeping again

So yep, we have sickness..

And after he coughed himself awake three times before 9pm, I decided that the only way I was getting any sleep was if he was in the bed with me, so I could soothe him back to sleep during the night.

But. but but but. He doesn't sleep in our bed. He plays with my hair, and climbs all over me, and rolls onto his father, and talks to me, and sings to me and so on. But actually sleep - no, that doesn't happen.

Well last night I decided to give it a go. First he monkeyed about with his dad til 10pm. Then I explained to him that we were all going to sleep in the one bed, and he got very excited. He marched out to the lounge room to tell his Daddy that he had to come to bed NOW. Very funny.

So about 10pm we all went to bed. Back to bed for Atti. And the Wookie dropped off about 20 minutes in, but it took til after 11 til Atti was asleep. And then Wookie started snoring, and Atti was coughing and sighing - this would be the point that I worked out that I wasn't going to get a lot of sleep. But I did sleep, even if I was woken like 4 times (one of the, about 4am I think, by Atti deciding to sing to me. But I might have been dreaming I guess). He even went back to sleep after the Wookie's alarm went off. But he had lost about 2 hours so an extra half hour was not anything to get excited about.

And then he didn't nap apparently. Grandparents, I tell ya. Proper cot or no proper cot at the grandies, he is going to have to have his naps here. He was a MESS by bedtime tonight.

I have to admit though - a part of me totally loved it. I adored waking up with him in the bed. I loved him snuggling into me this morning and soothing him back to sleep. Just adored it. Wonder if he might go back to sleep in the mornings…. no no Grouchie - remember it was over an hour to get him to sleep. Not dealing with THAT every morning!

Sickness

It is always the week you are rushed off your feet right? It isn't you that gets sick - you can dose yourself up and keep on truckin…. but your baby gets sick.

Dammit, dammit dammit - Atti is lying in bed tonight, very hot and coughing. He has come down with Rio's flu, a full two weeks after she came down with it - I thought we had missed it.

And of course, this is week is crazy (actually the next month to 6 weeks are going to be crazy, but lets not think about that yet). I have Atti booked into extra daycare this week because of all the work I have on this week, so there is no way I can stay home with my sick baby. Thankfully Opa is going to be able to handle some of it, so it looks like we will be able to get through the week if he is sick.

When Atti is sick, all he wants to do is lie on me, or on the couch, watch tv and sleep, and drink milk. Maybe eat some fruit. Thankfully he is willing to do these things with Opa too, if I am not available. So we can stay home and be quiet tomorrow morning, Opa will take him tomorrow afternoon, and is on standby for Wednesday and Thursday (when I have already promised to work). Then I can be back on for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

I don't want to think about the idea that he will still be sick next week - that would blow my head clear off my shoulders. I have to research and write a law reform commission submission and do some work on my research paper, as well as keep doing the paid research work and my volunteer work, and, you know my actual study and exam prep. Plus the usual cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. At least if he is sick we can ditch anything outside of the house. So I won't have to do any of that.

But oh my poor bay-bee. So not well.

Although, curled up in my arms tonight falling asleep, hot as all get out, singing along (or ahead for some of it) with the rainbow song. He actually knows the words to quite a bit of that song you know.

Family Dinner

I have been cooking with my neighbour for a month now - we take turns in cooking dinner for both households. I have Sunday nights so I have been doing a roast dinner most weeks. We decided a little while ago to expand Sunday night dinners to include everyone in the flats for a 'family' dinner - and a couple of non-residents that we consider to be members of the household.

We have them at my neighbours and early enough that the kids (Atti and 5 year old Rio) can join us. Part of the point is to have them sit at the table and learn about dining in a group. 

First one was tonight. Kid behaviour wise it wasn't fantastic - but it was ok. Kid eating wise it was not great. Neither of them ate much. But they both did stay at the table and join in. 

I could have done without the 5 year old telling me that the meal sucked…. but that was a pretty minority opinion, so boo-yah.

I manages some pretty nice potatoes, and the roasted brussel sprouts got good reviews. Think I will give lamb a miss next time though. 

I probably do need to give it some thought as to how to make the food a bit more kid adaptable though. but the nice thing about gravy is that Atti is quite convinced it is 'sauce' and he will try anything if it has some 'sauce' he can dip in!

Also, we got him his own little tin tea set this weekend, as he was getting a bit awful pinching my nice china tea cups off people to have 'some tea'. So there is this happening now;

Atti drinking tea

This week

I mean urgh. Rushed off my feet, getting behind in my studies, watched a video about DV that totally wigged me out and Atti… ah toddler hood.

So he is getting his 2 year molars - and that is a bit hellish. But he is also doing that toddler thing - pushing, hitting, pulling hair, saying no, basically working out that he is a separate entity - but not yet working out anyone else is. So if someone tries to take something off him, he shoves them over or hits them. When I say no to something (or even later or wait) it's floods and screams and sometimes he will hit me - or try to push me which is actually just funny.

I need to re-read the toddler taming book, and have a chat to daycare about what they are doing. At the moment I am pulling him aside, telling him 'no! we don't hit/push/pull hair of X. It hurts them. We don't do that. Go and say sorry'. He is pretty good about saying sorry. He usually says it straight away, I often don't have to prompt it. And he says 'kay Mummy' and then 'cuddles'.

I have also noticed that he doesn't usually start the interaction - as in, there is generally a reason he hits someone. We spend a lot of time with a 5 year old girl and it is when she tries to take something off him or make him do something that he will push or hit her. So I have started telling him what when he doesn't like what someone is doing, he is to firmly say 'stop' - but NOT to hit or push or pull hair. I doubt he really understands it, but you know.

I am not sure what else to do. From what I read, time outs are a bit pointless at this age (not quite 2). And I don't think he gets it if I do things like take him home or whatever. I am doing some 'taking away' consequences - but they are mainly things like turning off the tv if he gets up when he is eating (we let him watch some tv while eating dinner. If we could get him up late enough to eat with us I wouldn't do it, but you know, it's arsenic hour).

Sharing

I just read a post where a mother basically defends her kid's right not to share. In the article she doesn't really seem to posit a situation where her kid would have to share, which kind of surprised me. It is an interesting article - partly because the comments seem to kind of jump the shark, but also the argument she makes in the article. 

She touches on both private and public domain issues. I found the public domain issues a bit confronting actually. I will note that the comments lose the plot of private domain issues and seem a bit obsessed about sharing candy. It gets, frankly, way odd. But the public domain issue really had me thinking.

The situation she describes is one where her kid, at a public (or maybe pay for entry) playgroup, takes over one particular toy for the whole hour and a half they are there. At least one mother and her kid try to get her kid to give up the toy - but he doesn't. She sits on the side and doesn't get involved. The other kid and mum give up and go find something else. She does point out that there are quite a few almost identical toy cars that the kid could play with. 

I find this a bit bothersome - because she is right, actually. If there are a bunch of other ride-in or ride-on cars, why not just get your kid in one of those. Why make me come and haul my kid off the one he is playing in, so that you can get in it, and I have to go to all the trouble of getting my kid interested in another car or something else - and maybe then starting all over again.

She goes on to say that she has her kid in a kindy that had a rule about not requiring kids to share a toy til they have finished with it - they can reserve it if they are playing with it while they go to the loo or to lunch or whatever. If another kid wants it, they have to wait until kid A has finished with it.

She also tells a story of a friend who's son took a toy to the park and how another mother tried to guilt and shame him (and his parents) into letting her kid play with it. 

I think that there is a difference with private and public issues here that aren't being separated. The group that has rules - well that is an opt in situation. And it is a consistent rule in that environment - which is fine. The equipment is owned by the group, the organisers make the rules. I would assume there is another rule that she doesn't mention - I bet they are not allowed to bring toys or whatever from home, or if they do they are subject to the same rules.

The situation where you take a belonging to a park - well that is simple too. If you are willing to share your toys at the park, that is fine. If you aren't - well they are toys you brought with you - so there is no requirement to share them. I don't even think that is a manners thing to be honest - I brought a bucket and spade to play with, and I don't have to share. I do have to share the swings and park equipment, because they aren't mine and everyone had an right to a turn of those. Mostly I find that other parents are fine letting people use their kids stuff if their kids aren't using it, and mostly if it then becomes 'oh I want it now that some other kid has it' my experience has been that parents say ' no, you didn't want it, I said that kid could play with it, now they get a go, and you can have it back in a bit'. I have had one experience of a kid coming and taking their toy off my kid (they weren't playing with it and the parents said 'oh sure, go ahead and have a go' to my kid) and then not using it - but to be fair to those parents, they were having a bbq and a fair amount of drinking, so I think they didn't notice.

But the public playgroup - I don't know. I think everyone who attends has an equal right to the equipment. Even if I found it annoying, I think I would have made my kid get off the red car, and into another one. I might think they are all the same, but the author notes that her kid is partial to that one particular car, so how come he gets the right to it and not the other kid that wants that one out of the 10 that are there. 

I attend a toddler gym regularly, and I make my kid get off stuff he loves when someone else comes up and wants a go. You figure out what is a reasonable time to make toddlers wait, and then you pull your kid off. They can wait to have another go. 

The author comments that giving stuff up that you are using to others whenever they want doesn't mimic real life. But I don't know about that. You have to wait your turn for lots of things in the public domain - if you try and cut a line for say a water slide you aren't going to get a good reaction. Also, aren't we supposed to be raising people to live in the next society? Wouldn't it be a nicer place if people did give up their seats on trains based on the idea that I have sat down for half the ride, now the people who have had to stand should have a turn?

As for the endless comment insanity about it being rude not to offer your special-due-to-allergy candy to others - honestly. I have lots of friends with food allergies, and when I have a party I make sure to provide some food they can eat. And then I make sure that everyone else understands that these one or two things are the ONLY choice the allergy people have. Then you leave people to figure it out. Most people are decent - when they are doing stuff like eating all the special food it is usually because they don't have all the facts. Ignorance is not the same as arseholery - you are an arse once you know that 10 people at the party can only eat those two things, while you have a choice of 5 others and you eat lots of those two things anyway. You are ignorant if you take that food because you don't know. And I have rarely found people who are that much of an arse - and if they are, why are you inviting them into your home?

Anyway, rant over.

Cuteness

So Atti has a new phrase 'Eye sinks so'. I don't know who says 'I think so' enough to have given him that one, but I am betting daycare. 

And tonight we watched an episode of Play School. In it they do the story of Old King Cole, and the actors act and sing it out. After he kept putting his hand on my arm, and saying (and signing) 'King' then 'Grumpy'. So very very cute.

Mind you, he was up three times last night and a fair bit of time hitting me today, so you know, it is kinda off-set. But still, adorbs.

Celebrating pregnancy

So two of my best girlfriends are pregnant, and they are both women who desperately have wanted to be mothers in the 10+ years I have known each of them, and they have both had lots of gyne issues.

Friend A has two pregnancy tragedies - a still born daughter at full term and a foetal death due to anacephalitis (may be spelt wrong) at three months. We consider that we have a little 'club' - the our-daughters-don't-wake-us-up-at-night club. We are glad we have each other in this club, but we would prefer that no one else join, ever again. She just had her three month scan and yay! Baby has a skull (I know, not your normal response, but we have been here four times between us, and three of those times have not been so great).

Friend B has been wanting to be a mum for so long, but has had so many health issues that I am a little astonished she got pregnant. The pregnancy has been high risk from about week three, she has been in hospital multiple times already, and she is only 4 months gone. The father has basically washed his hands of the whole thing, and she had to change jobs (in the same company luckily) as she wasn't able to do her job with her pregnancy in so much trouble.

I am so thrilled for them both, but also so, so SO afraid that one (or help me both - can't possibly, right?) of them will end in grief. And not only do I know that pain, but now, after having Atti, I know more than I did when I did lose Angel. If you have to lose a pregnancy, I suspect it is easier if it is your first one - you don't really know what you are missing. All through Atti's first year, it would occur to me, when he would fall asleep in my arms, or when he giggled for the first time, or when he would breast feed or whatever - it would occur to me that if I had known what I had actually lost with Angel, it would have killed me. 

At the time I thought some people's reactions were, well irritating and stupid really - a friend's mum who seemed shocked if I was ever happy again, the people who would bang on and on about how sorry they were for us, that kind of thing - but now I reckon it was that they were mothers (and grandmothers too most of them) and I think it was that the did know, more than I, what I, what we had lost.

So I am afraid for them. Afraid for A - that she might really lose it this time if it is her third loss in a row. She also lost a nephew, a week after I had Atti, in the same fashion. Her sister has since had a live child, so lets hope and hope and hope.

Afraid for B, because she is so up and down about the pregnancy - all the problems have kind of leeched the joy out of her I think, but I know if she can get to the end it will be wonderful (at least it will be if she lets us all help her, but she also could decide she can do it all alone and then struggle and struggle - hopefully she will be sensible) and she will find such joy - actually that they both will …. if they can just get to the end of this trip this time.

Also, I thought I was pregnant this month - I'm not. And that is probably a good thing, really. Logically it would be nuts to have another kid, lets be honest. I can stay on top of study and kid and volunteer work and actual work and the house not totally degenerate and my relationships not completely atrophy…. but two kids? Not so much I suspect.

But. but but but - sometimes I imagine another baby. Atti cuddling him/her, and later playing together the way he does with Rio. I think about how interesting another child could be - the differences and similarities. And right now I totally imagine having a baby at the same time as two of my friends - who would need a mother's group? Six months in and we would have a babysitting club, our kids best friends are set from birth, shared everything…. it would be kind of awesome.

I know - that isn't how it would actually work out. I get that. Doesn't stop me daydreaming though.

And with our collective luck, it wouldn't end up like that, it would end up with at least one of us with empty arms and a friend's baby that was basically the same age being a child we have to look at all the time and miss our own. And no matter how strong you are, I reckon that is friendship ending stuff.

I am not sure what people who are not sure about god do when they want to pray - but whatever it is, that is what I am doing these days.

Loving story time right now

Lately I have been letting Atticus choose his bedtime stories from amongst a selection of books. He has four books that he mostly alternates between at the moment.

Tonight he chose one my mum gave him, 'It's time for bed' and 'Where is the green sheep?' both by Mem Fox. Green sheep was given to him by his cousins with a sheep toy, which he cuddles all through reading the book.

He has also taken to sitting on my footstool, facing me, rather than sitting in my lap. This is good in that  I can sign as I read - it is kind of pointless when he is in my lap. 

So tonight was utterly delightful - I got out of uni very early, so I was home for bath time and bed time. Since Atti still has bit of paint from the weekend (as do I somehow) I decided that it would be a mummy-son bath tonight. Then Daddy took him off from the bath, dried him and dressed him and I swanned in, in time for stories. 

Now if only he will sleep past 4.30 in the @$&^&^&%%#@#@$#@ morning, life will be sweeeet!