Pregnancy and Infant loss day

I know, I am a few days late. But I find this day a bit stressful (not alone I am sure). For me it is that this was Atti's due date - and it is a bit surreal to find your 'rainbow baby' is due on the day we remember our lost babies. Very odd.

Also, this year I am dealing with my friend's situation. She has had a premature membrane rupture (which is how we lost Angel) at 26 weeks. She is on bed rest for the duration, it seems to have self sealed and her contractions have lessened if not gone. So there is a chance she will get a bit further along. But her baby will still be premature, and given that Atti spent time in the NICU after (full term) birth, muggins here is who sat down to talk to her about what it is like to have a preemie, and spend time in the NICU.

I was ok during the conversation, I managed not to be flip about any of it, I think I managed to get her to hear me but not scare her off. I think I managed to focus it enough on specifics that it might have got through. I hope so. There is some stuff that if you know ahead of time, it is an easier ride. And anything that makes this stuff easier - grab it with both hands.

But driving home I realised I was struggling a bit. Not that I am on Facebook or anything, but it is pretty hard to ignore Oct 15, and all the sad/bad poetry and stuff that comes with it. It is a time when I would normally disconnect my emotions about my dead kid and my spent-the-first-week-in-NICU son, given all the heartbreaking stuff flying around, and it is assignment and exam time at uni - distractions are not awesome. But I had to actually connect with that stuff to be able to talk to my friend about it all, genuinely and with insight, and that was hard.

I never think about Angel getting older. She would have been about six months younger than my niece, so I kind of had a guide I guess, but it never really enters my head. I know my mum thinks about it -  when Atti was a baby and my Niece was cuddling him, Mum teared up and said that that is what my family would have looked like. But I never see it that way. The reason I bring it up is that it wasn't til mum was coming to visit I realised that Rio is two months younger than Angel would have been. And the two kids do look alike - and that was the first time I had thought of it - realising that Mum would see it. I'm not sure that that has any relevance to this post really. Other than an added stress to the day.

So I should go, and find a quiet corner to think about my lost baby.