Motherhood and sacrifice

I was chatting to another mum outside of daycare this morning. We have sons about the same age, and we are often dropping them off at the same time. Every now and again one of them will get very upset and so we have had the 'worst mum in the world' chat once or twice out the front.

This morning it was her son and we were chatting about this article. This woman claims that having her children was a mistake. I find it interesting for a couple of reason - I particularly like the way this woman has broken THE biggest taboo, but is also a serious warrior in the Mommy Wars - as the judgement to women who don't stay home with their kids is quite something.

To me, the problem for this woman is obvious; if your view of motherhood is that you have to sacrifice everything you love in life to the alter of motherhood, why would you like it? Of course you are going to regret that choice. 

My fellow daycare mum and I were talking about the benefits we have seen our kids get from daycare - I was telling her about how Atti sat at a birthday party so beautifully and patiently last weekend, waiting for his cake. And how that HAS to be daycare - because where else is he waiting for food? Or much else in reality - what with being an only child. Daycare has taught him that he will get given his share, and he can just wait until that happens. 

And other things. We were also talking about how we are much happier utilising some outside assistance in our parenting. I mean in my case I am at law school, so there was no option to stop or anything like that, so I had to include other people in raising Atti. And I have never regretted it, he is such a happy social child, and so well loved, that it has clearly been a benefit to him.

Why do we hold onto this idea of motherhood equalling sacrifice? I mean sure, to some degree that is going to be true - someone is going to have to get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby, but why is it we think that we have to sacrifice ourselves 100%. I just think we are missing an excellent opportunity to re-create some community in our lives, and set up the idea of community for our children. 

And it benefits everyone. The kids have more people in their lives - so more viewpoints and people they can turn to, more to learn from, and flat out more love (downside is possibly more xmas presents too). Most of the people in Atti's life think spending time with him is a pleasure and benefits them too When uni finished this term my neighbour was a bit sad to think she wasn't going to have him for a couple of hours each Monday, so we have kept that going. Atti adores her and her daughter and loves going upstairs - and they all enjoy it. My in-laws would be bereft if I cancelled their day. My close friends and their kids all love the time they get to spend with him - and he loves their attention. I have a photo of my friend's kids - teenagers - playing trains with him, and he was beside himself that the big kids were playing with him. 

And next year, we will love having my Thursday friend's new baby for a day a week. And it will help her and her hubby, sure. Just like it has helped me. But oh, it will be so wonderful for us, that it is ridiculous to claim that we would do it to help her alone. Or that she owes me.

The article this woman wrote makes me realise how isolated some parents are - and that so much of it is by choice. We need to reach out to each other, to form communities of parents and friend and create groups, no, villages to raise kids. Hillary was right you know, it takes a village.