Sharing

I just read a post where a mother basically defends her kid's right not to share. In the article she doesn't really seem to posit a situation where her kid would have to share, which kind of surprised me. It is an interesting article - partly because the comments seem to kind of jump the shark, but also the argument she makes in the article. 

She touches on both private and public domain issues. I found the public domain issues a bit confronting actually. I will note that the comments lose the plot of private domain issues and seem a bit obsessed about sharing candy. It gets, frankly, way odd. But the public domain issue really had me thinking.

The situation she describes is one where her kid, at a public (or maybe pay for entry) playgroup, takes over one particular toy for the whole hour and a half they are there. At least one mother and her kid try to get her kid to give up the toy - but he doesn't. She sits on the side and doesn't get involved. The other kid and mum give up and go find something else. She does point out that there are quite a few almost identical toy cars that the kid could play with. 

I find this a bit bothersome - because she is right, actually. If there are a bunch of other ride-in or ride-on cars, why not just get your kid in one of those. Why make me come and haul my kid off the one he is playing in, so that you can get in it, and I have to go to all the trouble of getting my kid interested in another car or something else - and maybe then starting all over again.

She goes on to say that she has her kid in a kindy that had a rule about not requiring kids to share a toy til they have finished with it - they can reserve it if they are playing with it while they go to the loo or to lunch or whatever. If another kid wants it, they have to wait until kid A has finished with it.

She also tells a story of a friend who's son took a toy to the park and how another mother tried to guilt and shame him (and his parents) into letting her kid play with it. 

I think that there is a difference with private and public issues here that aren't being separated. The group that has rules - well that is an opt in situation. And it is a consistent rule in that environment - which is fine. The equipment is owned by the group, the organisers make the rules. I would assume there is another rule that she doesn't mention - I bet they are not allowed to bring toys or whatever from home, or if they do they are subject to the same rules.

The situation where you take a belonging to a park - well that is simple too. If you are willing to share your toys at the park, that is fine. If you aren't - well they are toys you brought with you - so there is no requirement to share them. I don't even think that is a manners thing to be honest - I brought a bucket and spade to play with, and I don't have to share. I do have to share the swings and park equipment, because they aren't mine and everyone had an right to a turn of those. Mostly I find that other parents are fine letting people use their kids stuff if their kids aren't using it, and mostly if it then becomes 'oh I want it now that some other kid has it' my experience has been that parents say ' no, you didn't want it, I said that kid could play with it, now they get a go, and you can have it back in a bit'. I have had one experience of a kid coming and taking their toy off my kid (they weren't playing with it and the parents said 'oh sure, go ahead and have a go' to my kid) and then not using it - but to be fair to those parents, they were having a bbq and a fair amount of drinking, so I think they didn't notice.

But the public playgroup - I don't know. I think everyone who attends has an equal right to the equipment. Even if I found it annoying, I think I would have made my kid get off the red car, and into another one. I might think they are all the same, but the author notes that her kid is partial to that one particular car, so how come he gets the right to it and not the other kid that wants that one out of the 10 that are there. 

I attend a toddler gym regularly, and I make my kid get off stuff he loves when someone else comes up and wants a go. You figure out what is a reasonable time to make toddlers wait, and then you pull your kid off. They can wait to have another go. 

The author comments that giving stuff up that you are using to others whenever they want doesn't mimic real life. But I don't know about that. You have to wait your turn for lots of things in the public domain - if you try and cut a line for say a water slide you aren't going to get a good reaction. Also, aren't we supposed to be raising people to live in the next society? Wouldn't it be a nicer place if people did give up their seats on trains based on the idea that I have sat down for half the ride, now the people who have had to stand should have a turn?

As for the endless comment insanity about it being rude not to offer your special-due-to-allergy candy to others - honestly. I have lots of friends with food allergies, and when I have a party I make sure to provide some food they can eat. And then I make sure that everyone else understands that these one or two things are the ONLY choice the allergy people have. Then you leave people to figure it out. Most people are decent - when they are doing stuff like eating all the special food it is usually because they don't have all the facts. Ignorance is not the same as arseholery - you are an arse once you know that 10 people at the party can only eat those two things, while you have a choice of 5 others and you eat lots of those two things anyway. You are ignorant if you take that food because you don't know. And I have rarely found people who are that much of an arse - and if they are, why are you inviting them into your home?

Anyway, rant over.